Most pieces made to order · ships in 7–14 days · Hecho con amor
Takeover, step 1 of 4She renamed the door
Unauthorized page
La Bola de Furia Calicó de Papá
Bonnie's unauthorized anti-dachshund department
El departamento antisalchicha no autorizado de Bonnie
The tab in the header is mine now. It says whatever I say it says. La pestaña de arriba ahora es mía. Dice lo que yo diga que dice.
Bonnie says
The dachshund no longer has authority here.
La salchicha ya no tiene autoridad aquí.
Takeover, step 2 of 4Management issued an apology
Luna says: Please ignore the new page Bonnie added. We are working on it.
Por favor ignoren la página nueva que Bonnie agregó. Ya lo estamos resolviendo.
Received. Read. Returned to sender. Recibida. Leída. Devuelta al remitente.
The Calico Department
Bonnie did not authorise a curated selection. This is all of it, grouped by where it goes. The part somebody in the family was willing to comment on is below. She maintains that the distinction is insulting.
Bonnie no autorizó ninguna selección. Esto es todo, agrupado por dónde va. La parte sobre la que alguien de la familia estuvo dispuesto a opinar está abajo. Ella sostiene que la distinción es un insulto.
41 pieces carry her artwork.
FILE 001 · APPROVED
White · $32
CAM 002 · CALICO FLOOR
Heather Dust · $32
CAM 00 · SUBJECT AT REST
MEMO 003 · INTERNAL
Sand · $58
FILE 004 · APPROVED
Heather Dust · $32
CAM 005 · CALICO FLOOR
White · $30
MEMO 006 · INTERNAL
Black · $56
FILE 007 · APPROVED
Artwork previewMade to order · $26
CAM 008 · CALICO FLOOR
White · $46
MEMO 009 · INTERNAL
Yam · $44
FILE 010 · APPROVED
White · $69
CAM 011 · CALICO FLOOR
Navy · $28
MEMO 012 · INTERNAL
Natural · $38
FILE 013 · APPROVED
Navy · $24
CAM 014 · CALICO FLOOR
Ivory · $38
FILE 001 · APPROVED
Sterling Silver · $66
CAM 00 · SUBJECT AT REST
CAM 002 · CALICO FLOOR
Made to order · $26
MEMO 003 · INTERNAL
Black zipper · $24
FILE 004 · APPROVED
Natural · $32
CAM 005 · CALICO FLOOR
Natural · $28
MEMO 006 · INTERNAL
Made to order · $18
FILE 007 · APPROVED
Charcoal Grey · $34
CAM 008 · CALICO FLOOR
Gold Plated · $37
MEMO 009 · INTERNAL
Sterling Silver · $66
FILE 010 · APPROVED
Black · $46
CAM 011 · CALICO FLOOR
Khaki · $30
MEMO 012 · INTERNAL
Black · $37
FILE 001 · APPROVED
White · From $24
CAM 002 · CALICO FLOOR
White · From $24
MEMO 003 · INTERNAL
Artwork previewMade to order · $43
CAM 00 · SUBJECT AT REST
FILE 004 · APPROVED
Artwork previewMade to order · $47
FILE 001 · APPROVED
Made to order · $81
CAM 002 · CALICO FLOOR
Made to order · $28
CAM 00 · SUBJECT AT REST
MEMO 003 · INTERNAL
White · $89
FILE 004 · APPROVED
Made to order · $22
CAM 005 · CALICO FLOOR
Made to order · $41
FILE 001 · APPROVED
Made to order · $12
CAM 00 · SUBJECT AT REST
CAM 002 · CALICO FLOOR
Artwork previewMade to order · $38
MEMO 003 · INTERNAL
Black/Gold · $42
FILE 004 · APPROVED
Made to order · $45
CAM 005 · CALICO FLOOR
Made to order · $12
MEMO 006 · INTERNAL
Made to order · $18
Bonnie approved
Los Productos Rivales de Bonnie
Bonnie inserted these into the store overnight. Nobody approved them. Then somebody priced them, which Bonnie now describes as having been her idea from the beginning.
Todo esto es de verdad, y todo está a la venta.
Every one of these has a price, a size list where a size matters, and a page in the shop with an add-to-cart button on it. They are made to order like everything else here, and they ship in the same 7-14 day window. Bonnie takes no responsibility for any of it.
Cada uno de estos tiene precio, lista de tallas donde la talla importa, y su propia página en la tienda con botón para agregar al carrito. Se hacen a pedido igual que todo lo demás y salen en la misma ventana de 7 a 14 días. Bonnie no se hace responsable de nada.
Shirt
A shirt that states a fact and promises nothing. Unlike Luna's suspiciously cheerful merchandise, it will not tell you to have a lovely day.
Una camiseta que declara un hecho y no promete nada. A diferencia de la mercancía sospechosamente alegre de Luna, no te va a desear un lindo día.
Mug
Unlike Luna's suspiciously cheerful merchandise, this mug has dignity. It also has coffee in it, which I intend to knock over at 6:04 in the morning.
A diferencia de la mercancía sospechosamente alegre de Luna, esta taza tiene dignidad. También tiene café, que pienso tirar a las 6:04 de la mañana.
Tote bag
Roomy. Structural. Technically a bag, spiritually a box. I will be inside it, and I will not be discussing why.
Amplia. Estructural. Técnicamente una bolsa, espiritualmente una caja. Voy a estar adentro y no pienso explicar por qué.
Sticker
Small, adhesive, impossible to remove without regret. Much like me on a laptop somebody has just cleaned.
Pequeña, adhesiva, imposible de quitar sin arrepentirse. Igual que yo sobre una laptop recién limpiada.
Hoodie
Heavyweight, because I am. Named after me, by me, without consulting a single member of this household.
Pesada, porque yo lo soy. Nombrada en mi honor, por mí, sin consultar a nadie de esta casa.
Matching set
One shirt per human, in whichever loyalty they have chosen. Nobody in this house has chosen mine yet. I am giving them time, which is generous, and I am counting, which is not.
Una camiseta por humano, según la lealtad que haya escogido. En esta casa nadie ha escogido la mía todavía. Les estoy dando tiempo, lo cual es generoso, y los estoy contando, lo cual no lo es.
Two-sided set
Team Bonnie on one side. Team Luna on the other, because I am told that is what fair means. I have read the definition twice and I still consider it a clerical error.
Equipo Bonnie de un lado. Equipo Luna del otro, porque me dicen que eso significa ser justa. Leí la definición dos veces y sigo pensando que es un error administrativo.
Bonnie's note, in very small print: Luna may wear any of these. She will simply never be told that she is allowed.
Nota de Bonnie, en letra chiquita: Luna puede usar cualquiera de estos. Solo que nunca se le va a avisar que tiene permiso.
AND THIS IS THE ACTUAL CAT
The crown is a drawing. The cat is a calico who has been in this family since before the marriage, before the shop and years before the dachshund — and who spends most of her documented life asleep on somebody's arm.
Bonnie has never been to El Salvador, and she and Bruno never met. Two different chapters of the same family.
THE REST OF BONNIE
THE REST OF THE TAKEOVER
Su expediente, completo
The manifesto, the board of evidence, the schemes and the vote. It runs long on purpose — this is the archive, not the shop, and the shop is back up the page.
Bonnie's Manifesto
¡BASTA DE SALCHICHAS!
Bonnie has reviewed the situation and found the entire website unacceptable.
Bonnie ha revisado la situación y encuentra el sitio entero inaceptable.
Five grievances, formally submitted
Luna recibe demasiada atención.
I have counted. Every page. Every picture. A dog who cannot reach the kitchen counter, and yet: her face, her name, her little moon. I was here the entire time. Sitting perfectly still. Being magnificent.
Los perros son innecesariamente entusiastas.
A door opens: she shouts. A key turns: she shouts. A person she has known her whole life walks in, and she behaves as though he has returned from a long war. It is exhausting to watch. I watch it from a very high shelf.
Nadie le preguntó a Bonnie antes de abrir la tienda.
There was a meeting. I was not invited. I was, in fact, asleep on the paperwork for that meeting, which I consider a form of attendance and arguably a form of chairing it.
Bonnie está claramente más calificada para dirigir la empresa.
My collar tag says CEO. Luna's collar tag says LUNA. I rest my case. Then I rest for four more hours, because rest is a leadership skill and I am extremely gifted at it.
Todas las cajas de cartón me pertenecen legalmente.
Every box. The shipping boxes. The box the shipping boxes arrived in. The very small one that fits nobody, which I will be entering shortly. This is not a request. This is documentation.
Terms of surrender: none. Bonnie will, however, continue sleeping on the dachshund. That is a security measure and should not be reported as affection.
Términos de rendición: ninguno. Sin embargo, Bonnie seguirá durmiendo encima de la perra salchicha. Es una medida de seguridad y no debe reportarse como cariño.
Takeover, step 3 of 4She scored herself
Control actual de SalchiLuna
These figures have not been audited. Bonnie has declined to explain how both rows can be correct at the same time.
Takeover, step 4 of 4She opened a case
Case file · SL-001
El Tablero de Pruebas de Bonnie
Assembled overnight, entirely in red string, by a cat with no thumbs. Every pin below is a real entry in this website's data. Bonnie added them herself. Nobody has been able to prove otherwise.
Armado de madrugada, todo con hilo rojo, por una gata sin pulgares. Cada nota de abajo es una entrada real en los datos de este sitio. Bonnie las agregó ella misma. Nadie ha podido demostrar lo contrario.
Everything above this is an exhibit. This is where they are pinned. Todo lo de arriba es una prueba. Aquí es donde se clavan.
Operation
Operación: Robar el Protagonismo
Status: ongoing. Method: stand directly in front of the dachshund in every photograph until the photographer gives up.
Operation
Fase Dos: Ocupar la Silla de Papá
Complete. The chair is warm, the chair is mine, and any attempt to reclaim it will be met with a long slow blink of profound disappointment.
Paw note
¿Por qué le dan otra galleta?
Written in paw. Underlined twice. No satisfactory answer has ever been provided by management.
Exhibit
Prueba A: la página principal
One dachshund, front and centre, beneath an entire moon. Count the cats in that picture. Take your time. I have.
Paw note
Todas las cajas son de Bonnie
Filed under property law, which I have not read, and do not need to, because I am sitting in the evidence.
Operation
Fase Tres: Reescribir las Reglas
Nap first. Treats always. Dog last. Daddy obliged. I am the boss. These are now the rules of the house; the house has not been informed.
Exhibit
Sospechosa: una (1) salchicha
Distinguishing features: long, low, unreasonably delighted. Motive: unknown. Alibi: she was asleep. She is always asleep. That is the suspicious part.
Paw note
Conclusión: aún en revisión
The investigation continues. The investigator needs a nap. The investigator will be conducting that nap on the suspect.
Currently in progress
El Último Plan de Bonnie
One scheme at a time, rotating. Bonnie has more. Bonnie always has more.
Un plan a la vez, en rotación. Bonnie tiene más. Bonnie siempre tiene más.
Bonnie deja chueca la placa de Luna y se va caminando despacio
Two degrees. That is all it takes. Two degrees and eye contact held for slightly too long.
Dos grados. Con eso basta. Dos grados y una mirada sostenida un poquito de más.
Previously attempted
Step one: remove the dachshund. Step two: replace her with a photograph of me. Step three: accept credit gracefully. Step four: nap. Steps one through three remain outstanding.
The announcement was made at 3 a.m., at volume, to a hallway. Today's agenda: steal spotlight, eat snacks, annoy Luna, take naps, repeat.
Line one: one (1) dog, existing loudly. Line two: witnessing affection not directed at me. Line three: the box incident. Payable in treats. Payable immediately.
The occupation entered its fourth hour with no demands issued, because demands would imply the chair was ever in question.
The box was clearly labelled LUNA'S STUFF. It is now labelled LUNA'S STUFF with a cat on it, which is a different item entirely.
Not the queen. Never the queen. The paw stays there until somebody important walks past and sees it.
The betrayal was total. The dachshund wore TEAM BONNIE with obvious pride and then wagged. Bonnie has not recovered and will be issuing a statement.
The proposed mark was a crescent moon with a cat in front of it. The crescent moon was not visible. That was described as a feature.
Bonnie declared war. Luna brought her a sock. Bonnie kept the sock. The war continues under protest.
She fell asleep beside the dachshund again. It was strategic. It was surveillance. She would like that on the record, and she would like nobody to look directly at it.
One day they will see. Team Bonnie forever. Until then she will be on the warm cushion, facing the door, pretending she is not waiting for anybody.
Bonnie versus Luna
¿Quién manda en esta casa?
Choose a side. Your answer is saved in your own browser and nowhere else — there is no scoreboard, no server, and no account. Bonnie has been informed of this and has decided to hold her own count anyway.
Elige un bando. Tu respuesta se guarda solo en tu propio navegador — no hay marcador, ni servidor, ni cuenta. Bonnie ya lo sabe y aun así decidió hacer su propio conteo.
Bonnie's official recount
El recuento oficial de Bonnie
Recount conducted by Bonnie. Bonnie counted the votes. Bonnie was the only voter. Bonnie has declared the process free of irregularities.
Recuento realizado por Bonnie. Bonnie contó los votos. Bonnie fue la única votante. Bonnie declara el proceso libre de irregularidades.
For the record, because a joke should never be mistaken for a statistic: these numbers are Bonnie's, they are invented, and no votes are collected, transmitted or tallied by this website. Nobody is counting. Not even Bonnie, really — she is asleep.
Para que conste, porque una broma nunca debe confundirse con una estadística: estos números son de Bonnie, son inventados, y este sitio no recoge, transmite ni cuenta ningún voto. Nadie está contando. Ni Bonnie, en realidad — está dormida.
Bonnie's own campaign poster, printed before anyone agreed there was a campaign. The buttons on it were painted on; the ones above are the real ones.
El cartel de campaña de Bonnie, impreso antes de que nadie aceptara que hubiera campaña. Los botones del cartel están pintados; los de arriba son los de verdad.
Luna has read Bonnie's manifesto twice. Luna thinks it is wonderful. Luna is very proud of her. Luna would like everyone to know that Bonnie shares the warm spot by the window and never says so out loud.
Luna leyó el manifiesto de Bonnie dos veces. A Luna le parece maravilloso. Luna está muy orgullosa de ella. Luna quiere que todos sepan que Bonnie comparte el lugarcito tibio junto a la ventana y nunca lo dice en voz alta.
This is exactly the kind of thing Bonnie is talking about.
Esto es justo el tipo de cosa de la que Bonnie se queja.